first of all, hello to you, whoever is reading this.
i won’t take too much time to blab about how long it’s been since i’ve shared my thoughts here. but it’s nice to be back :-)
i’ve recently come across a new discovery that i feel inclined to share here, one that i think resonates with a lot of the things i’ve wrestled through on this platform in the past.
you see, lately, i’ve been very conscious of learning how to trust myself more.
i’ve been realizing all of the years and time i’ve spent neglecting my needs and doubting my ability to be a “good human,” internally and externally.
i’ve been prescribing myself methods for “fixing my problems” that i’ve absorbed from the voices of the outside world, in order to better myself.
and where has that left me?
exhausted.
drained.
sick.
sad.
angry.
hopeless.
anytime i ever strive to be “better” - participating in this endless rat race of self-improvement - it’s almost as if i end up “worse” than how i started.
i think i need to tell a little story...
last week, i had a stye. honestly, it really sucked. my eye was in so much pain, i couldn’t work, my head hurt… i felt exhausted like never before. it was surprising how much it took out of me, and while i would like to say it was the worst thing to happen - it actually did a lot of good.
my body was telling me something… it was practically begging me to take a break.
you see, usually, when i feel tired, i push it off and push through my day.
rest and i have a difficult relationship; she comes to see me when she needs to, but i only admit her under strict circumstances… “is it the right time? have i done ‘enough’ with my day yet?… she can probably wait a bit longer because there’s this thing i really wanna do, and though i’d be better with her company, i really don’t have the time to chat…”
usually, i forget about her, and she gets left alone for much too long.
and then, moments like last week come up, when she rallies her troops to force her way in, and i have no choice but to surrender.
and so i did - i actually listened this time.
i decided to test myself and see what would happen if i approached my day differently, so i took it slow & easy. using the morning to surrender to my body’s needs, and by mid-day, i had enough energy to do the little bits of work i knew i needed to get done, and didn’t push further than what was necessary.
and it was fantastic! i was suddenly reminded of this beautiful way of living where my stress and anxiety were not in control.
and guess what - because i was taking care of myself, my eye started to recover! like magic.
by the beginning of this week, i felt like normal, with just a tiny, painless bump in my eye.
the funny thing is, i thought it was over. but oh no, it was not. mid-week rolled around, and lo and behold, the rest of my body started to fight off whatever infection had drained from my eye.
so yeah - i’ve still been sick this week… so much goop and soreness and ick.
but i’m actually letting myself rest. and i can feel myself getting better because i’m not pushing it.
this takes us to yesterday. i was being the good little student of rest that i am, taking my exhaustion for a nap, and suddenly had all these thoughts about the notion of “self-improvement” while i was lying there, which were reflected in my new understanding of self-care.
i think striving for self-improvement might be doing more harm than good.
it perpetuates this idea that we are not (and never) enough as we are - there is always some “better” version of ourselves outside of us that we need to “become.”
it is a constant climb up & out of ourselves.
how often do we ignore ourselves it because we are trying to get “better” and perhaps different from who we already are? how much do we miss out on when our focus is always outwards and never inwards?
instead, perhaps we need to shift our striving into “self-connection.”
getting in-tune with our needs - physically, mentally, spiritually. listening to the information our bodies & minds & souls tell us everyday.
it is diving down & within ourselves.
self-connection is self-trust. instead of trying to become a “better version” of ourselves that we don’t even really know, it is simply being a truer version - being as you are, knowing you are already made good and whole & embracing all that means.
and don’t get me wrong, i don’t mean to advertise some blissful-ignorance.
some may think that releasing a focus on self-improvement would just lead to a neglect of self-growth. but, i think just the opposite.
if we are more connected with ourselves, self-trusting, and able to provide our own needs, first of all, i think we would have a lot less behavioural issues that can be caused by the stress and burnout of self-improvement tactics.
and second-of all, this increased self-awareness that comes with self-connection might actually reveal where our growth areas are, and be able to take them one at a time, with care and gentleness.
sure, you could say we might actually become “better” versions of ourselves. but really, we are just more whole.
note: this post was orginally written in March 2023, but not published until October 2026. oopsie!
